Pain gives hope

The rush from the quick sharp pain, a stabbing pain.

The rush from the smell of the red running blood.

The rush from seeing it run down the arm, rushing from pierced skin from a sharp force.

The relief it brings from the inital tourcher the mind was under, the instant redirection of pain and hurt, the mind shuts out all other antagonizing emotion.

Too feel and not see give no reason

Too feel and see gives peace, calm, redirection.

To feel and not see links to past,

Too feel and see is here and now, safe. 


Rere pēpē tiketike

Today I head home, back the children with out you growing within me nor in my arms, not as I did with your siblings… 

We will take you home back to the whenua of our people. When your lay with the whenua of a sibling and wairua of your Tipuna.
We will acknowledge your existence, the develops of your tiny little toes, and growing little nose…

The fingers that began to grow with their own fingerprints in tow… 

The best of a heart that leaves a echo

Without been born you were created.

You’ll be safe forever in my heart forever I will grieve, leaving a mark in my heart. 

Rere pēpē tiketike

Rere pēpē tiketike

New life…. Soars high

A mother knows a unborn child’s growth development, she knows the changes to her body is from creation of a new life.

With the children I have I let one go, grasping at the ones I have embracing.The love they have and that I have for them. 

I know the pain from this turmoil, I feel it and acknowledge it, with no right way to move forward yet there is a wrong way…. 

Too let the pain control you,

Fill you and drive you,

For the pain to redirect my mind when needed to focus on the children I have.

This sorrow known so well from a young age, I’m stronger now, I’ve more that strengthens me, I’m not that lost young teenager.

A mother grieves alone for her own in silence away from all.

#Tamaiti atua

(With all the challenges in life we go through another, we are face with life changing moments. How life changing will you allow these moments to change you? To weaken or to sstrengthen!!) 

Local bus stop

Lonely and cold, surfing the buses of the city, the bus which use to be transport to an from school and between Auckland suburbs visit friends, hanging out for weekends or lurking the city streets. 

A local reserve where a bus stop sits become a point of safety, a long line of trees fenced along the back of the reserved backing into housing, a few big trees dotted throughout the reserve.

A spot out of the light under a tree sheltered from possible rain or loitering footsteps, keeping out of dangers way. 

A bag on the back filled with clothes, with a jacket big enough to lay down becomes something to lay on keeping dry from the damp ground beneath, a bag of clothes used for a pillow.

Footsteps heard and shadows seen as a few walk through, buses stopping with patrons entering and exiting, flash of head light swiping through the trees as car travel by, whispers and laughter from late night goers waiting for The next bus to stop.

The tears they heavily flow, your family home not so far, where your parents climb into warm beds with lights turned off and front doors closed. Sleep not so close to the mind as fear sets in.

Amoung nature you find a place night after night to call home. 

16 Years not so old, a girl looks for her place to sleep.

In return

What we give we don’t get in return

The love, it doesn’t always boomerang..

With our front door open, so many will be closed

Giving a place when lost, yet times of wonder where to go.

Ears that’ll listen and hear, while so much falls on deaf ears. 

Arms extended, yet with so many retracted

Patience & unconditional love, yet in return there’s pressure and expectations

In return I received something never imaginable … 

It’s like reliving the abandonment of a child, the neglect for ones needs in such a time. 

In the life we don’t always get in return what’s handed out, yet amoung our closest, our family, siblings and parents when one needs to be lifted can you not be there to give in return. 

When all is lost it’ll hit you and I know it’ll hurt, carry it remember your negligence of someone who love you so much, idolize you, turned to you, spoke truth to you, looked to for guidance from you, trusted you… 

But then that was my father too… 

Now look, you don’t always get great things in return… 

Embrace the greatness that there is, embrace the good time and prepare for war.

Warfare of life and love.


I won’t treat you the way you expect me to, my strength and independence will weaken you. 

Embrace all

Not knowing our last day brings the need to embrace,

Embrace the day, weather it be sunshine, thunder and lighten just dance in the rain.

Embrace whats between the sky and earth and whats beyond.

Embrace all of man creations and all of Gods perfected hand created gifts. 

Embrace pain, trauma, love, life and loss.

Embrace all things little or small.

Embrace all the unknown and unseen.

Embrace life, your don’t know when it ends.

Embrace then and now

Embrace it all… 

20th March… 

Life changes as we all know, people came and go, we lose those we never thought possible. We lose through life and death, some still live on walking this earth, many we lay to rest.

Two months later I wonder if I grieved! There were tears for you, I was distracted been the rock for others (yet I’d do it all over again, no regrets nothing to change) there was no time to cry, no time for reality to set it you were going and now gone. 

In the lost of one there was a lost of many, including self. Standing there watching life replay I needed someone anyone yet it was still, no matter how loud I screamed , no one, invisible was I.

I stood there and thought of you, your words of love and wisdom, your courage and strength, how fear was unable seen in your last days. 

Your humour was so strong, in your dying days you bought so much laugher. Your end of life lived so well with so much strength, love, passion for the people and things that filled you your desire to keep going have us all that little more time. 

With you leaving bought a deep sadness but I wasn’t sad for you, me or those that lost you, it’s a deep pain / sadness for those who don’t know you, those who don’t know how to love like you did, those who have conditions on their love, dictate how ar relationship should be, those who demand respect through the chain of age. 

Your love was unconditional, it filled us for many years, your humour no ones has. There is no one like you, never to be replaced.

Proudly we are made with a part of your DNA, the strength we have, the character, the joy for people, our humour I see now where it’s from our DNA is more than “two parents”

I’ll take you with me in my heart forever, I’ll remember you each day, I’ll find strength from.The strength you taught. 

In your death you taught such strength, I become grateful for all – good and bad.

You gave me a new turing point. 

As it is to watch life come into the as it is to watch someone hold his head so high leaving this world. 

Part of the parcel.

It can’t always be good, it can’t always be structured, it wouldn’t show the true reality of what this world has been like.

I’m talking about blogging, writing, documenting facts, memories, actions, triggers, coping tools everything.just mentioned is apart of the parcel. To write about depression, suicide or abuse can’t just be the how to get through post; there are the post that will come up talking of self harm, suicide attempts, using drugs and alcohol to cope and manage from day to day, to help with the trauma that can creep up.out’s ugly dark little crack at anytime. Not all which is written is going to be about positive influence and healing place and things. 

Reality is during recovery triggers come about, we learn and experience new things and coping tools.

Managing is like been a business owner evolving with the world. As a survivalist so do we evolve.