In return

What we give we don’t get in return

The love, it doesn’t always boomerang..

With our front door open, so many will be closed

Giving a place when lost, yet times of wonder where to go.

Ears that’ll listen and hear, while so much falls on deaf ears.

Arms extended, yet with so many retracted

Patience & unconditional love, yet in return there’s pressure and expectations

In return I received something never imaginable …

It’s like reliving the abandonment of a child, the neglect for ones needs in such a time.

In the life we don’t always get in return what’s handed out, yet amoung our closest, our family, siblings and parents when one needs to be lifted can you not be there to give in return.

When all is lost it’ll hit you and I know it’ll hurt, carry it remember your negligence of someone who love you so much, idolize you, turned to you, spoke truth to you, looked to for guidance from you, trusted you…

But then that was my father too…

Now look, you don’t always get great things in return…

Embrace the greatness that there is, embrace the good time and prepare for war.

Warfare of life and love.


I won’t treat you the way you expect me to, my strength and independence will weaken you.


Embrace all

Not knowing our last day brings the need to embrace,

Embrace the day, weather it be sunshine, thunder and lighten just dance in the rain.

Embrace whats between the sky and earth and whats beyond.

Embrace all of man creations and all of Gods perfected hand created gifts.

Embrace pain, trauma, love, life and loss.

Embrace all things little or small.

Embrace all the unknown and unseen.

Embrace life, your don’t know when it ends.

Embrace then and now

Embrace it all…

Touch of Nature

Reach out your arm not half extended but fully reached out…

Anything else is just bullshit…

All you have to do is ask, stop assuming you know me and what ill say…

Stop been afraid ill break down and flip infront of everyone.

Stop acting like your shit dont stink .

Stop alienating us cause you sit at Chirch on a Sunday and we don’t.

Stop thinking you know and take the time too, theres a imagine in mind from small amount of time together, you dont know me…

Now you never will, I’m choosing to not give a fuck anymore cause you never cared, wanted to know, genuinly love and accepted me, reached out invited us.

If you knew me you would know to hear me or umderstand me all it take is a “Touch of Nature”.

All i wanted was to be respected for the person I am..

The shit I’ve been through..

My traumas..

My way of coping..

Its who I am

How I heal

What you and I do will always look different.

We are differnt.

Months silent!!

The mind becomes overwhelmed at all that’s taking / taken place. Some events throughout life can knock us back – if we allow it.
I did, I allowed yet another event in life to stumble me, I allowed mental pain to drive me to crashing point. The pot boiled over, the water over flowed and steam streamed. It was self inflicted by way of neglect which resulted in some physical pain

  • Lack of nourishment from good food sources – weak joints, tired and headaches / migraine / sleepless nights
  • The earth natural elements that feeds my soul – I stopped running which drove me to feeling alive, the high from achieving a for more steps each run, I stopped walking, I didn’t visit a bush walk or hike, unconsciously I allowed myself to suffer.
  • Lack of the basics such as water to hydrate the body – no water meant dizziness, bad sleep, crap skin, and the tapping at the front of my head pounding away.
  • Oversleeping – too much sleep makes the body ache, this sleep is the depressed sleep you just want to sleep the pain away (it does no good, makes it all that bit worse)
  • Ignorance to acceptance meant my family suffered.

My me was gone. I lost myself when I lost one of my own, I search yet in all the wrong places. I lived for my children I woke up and kept going for five little souls while one flew high in the sky. It was a quiet pain, not many were let in. Not many understood, so many afraid to engage in conversation or acknowledge the life force that was created and lost.

I found myself in kore (te ao po – the darkness)

I found my feet along the way still baring the metal pain, to this day I still feel hurt inside, tears draw upon my eyes yet I’m now in control.

Loss is painful yet there is no loss like self loss

  • I consider the kai I put before myself & the benifits of what’s eaten, what food pick me up and those that make me feel blah.
  • The difference with water and no water make a huge change to life, the way the mind process. Everything’s that bit clearer with a good intake of mother natures water.
  • Doing what I know is best and beating that track with my feet instead of beating my mind.
  • Allowing our loss to be apart of our life and finding a way to bring peace upon my heart for a child that is not with us.
  • Acknowledgement to God and seeking forgiveness for not allowing him to carry me through the healing process as I tried to do it on my own.

Today us and new day, it’s a new year; I have times I still cry and feel that churn in my puku but it doesn’t overwhelm me nor do I allow it to control the oath my kind can take. I find strength in my loss.

Nga mihi


Living off Sex @ 16

Some would think I was plain Jane, far from it. I wouldn’t tell anyone, I wasn’t proud it didn’t need to be publicized. I was scared and ashamed.
Me and the streets had our turn to I had to make a earn, I wasn’t going back to Tue cold empty dark night on.A Auckland street with no where to sleep.

A earn it was, my body abused many times before, I had no care for it by now. Ashamed to reach out to the one I knew I loved, scared to be standing in front of him like a judge.

My body, my earn, 16 Years old fighting a way to live I lost without the one I loved. Men with money, woman they need there I was myself also in need, in need for shelter food and clothes no longer living a life surrounded with family and friends the one person I could trust I hide from instead.

The good feels

A trip to the park is not that simple, a few km walk through the bush been shaded from the burning sun, it glisters through the gaps in the high trees, gleaming down at us. The children running ahead tired before we arrive to the park.

Healthy snacks with loads of water revitalizes them for there hard worked for play, not yet realising the 3.5 km walk back to car is still ahead, that’s a long rounds hike for the 3 and 4 year olds, they soldier on enjoying each step of it especially when they get a break upon mum and dad’s shoulders.

One of the most rewarding things is life is to watch life grow, I’m blessed to watch 5 lives grow, the way the children interact and watch out for each other, the way they grow with each other yet at very different stages. Watching their love for one another the bond continues to strengthen between each of them.

Little do they realise the walk to the park and exposure to the sun can send the good feel vibes to the brain, been in nature simulates us all.

Pure natural sweat from climbing those steep paths making our way around step after step children on shoulders and baby in pram, add to the natural heat of exercising; it feels so good to.feel the breeze from the tress which surround you brush against the skin giving that cooling effect from the burning sun.

The sun feeds me

Nature feeds me

The sound of the light breeze, the sound of trees and water that runs below

The feel of the water running at your feet

It all feeds me the good feels.

Some don’t have children to encourage and motivate them to get out, I believe exercise and been amoung the natural elements of this world can be one of the most basic yet empowering things for our wellbeing you just need to find the right balance. Walk a little further each time, swim a little longer, push yourself your ability is more than you know.

I’m blessed to have my children them alone give me the feel good vibes. Sometimes people can’t be relied on so we need to find way to fill ourselves without relying on man selfcare starts with self, what makes me feel good? how do go about putting what I like into action?

Find the good feel vibes they are there.


Your Love

I’m surrounded with people and love but not your love.

Pain can be so overwhelming and vivid it cancel out so much, my love for you will always remain.

I think of you, your not there,

I felt your love, but now it’s gone!

I love you, your not there,

Your in my dreams and I wake up and your not there,

The heart longs for that love it’s gone

Possibly never to be found.

The heart knows many loves but it’s yours it earns for.